" Neighbors below Einhorn's flat had been complaining for some time that that they were detecting a terrible stench coming through the floorboards, accompanied by an occasional oozing of putrid brown matter that stained their ceiling. They tried to paint it out and sanitize the smell with disinfectants. But, the odor increased. And the oozing continued. When the building foreman investigated the problem, Einhorn refused to let the man check a closet from where the smell seemed to be coming. "

- from Counterculture Killer, by Joseph Geringer

It seems to me that the very first thing ever recycled by the founder of the increasingly annoying pseudo-holiday, Earth Day, was when Ira Einhorn stuffed his murdered girlfriend's body into the steamer trunk in his closet and allowed the remains of Holly Maddux to become a necrotic stew.

Knowing the fact that this so-called holiday was started by a psychotic, LSD-taking, misogynist murderer has made it difficult for me to get overly excited or enthusiastic about it all, but you go ahead and celebrate Earth Day any way you like.

I remember as a kid, we planted trees on Arbor Day.  Grocery store chains would hand out little pine tree saplings at the check-out counter and we would get home and excitedly plant them around the house.  I just knew that in 10, 20, or 30 years' time those little saplings would grow up to become a natural habitat for wildlife, like cute little squirrels or raccoons.  They eat the pine cones and make a home in the tree.  I'm confident you know some kid right now that most likely has some Earth Day activity at school.

It's all very wonderful, I realized as an adult, until those cute little furry animals dig through the shingles on your house and start shitting in your attic.  Aren't you glad you planted that fucking tree near the house now, Mr. Eco-friendly?  At that point in the game, I wish someone would re-manufacture and bring back plastic six pack rings for the next cute little furry animal to choke on.

But as I've try to point out in the past, most of the world's population increasingly lives  in urban areas.  The next furry little animal they are likely to see is when a cockroach crawls under their grandmother's wig on the nightstand of their tenth-floor apartment.  It's actually this apparent lack of interaction with wildlife that makes tree huggers out of most of our country's voters.  They love trees and they love animals.

I met a guy on the day I snapped those Bike Week pix who started a web site called www.peta.com ... but the real PETA has since either sued him out of that domain name or bought it.  His PETA site was People Eating Tasty Animals.  That's generally how I like animals, too --  with salt and maybe a side salad.  Actually, I've nearly wrecked my car avoiding some little furbag or another on the road.  I like wildlife in the wilderness, but just not in my friggin' house.

And I like trees too.  But, unlike an apartment-dwelling tree hugger who has never climbed a slippery two-story ladder, stood on a frozen roof with a running chainsaw and screamed obscenities at the evil tree that crashed into the roof and took out the electricity during a sub-zero winter during an ice-storm, I don't give flora and fauna more importance than humans.  I have been to Humane Society fund-raisers.  I was actually a member of a botanical society once, too.  I'd definitely be the first on my block to own an alternative fuel hybrid vehicle, if I could afford to buy one.  But, rabid ecologists can kiss my ass.


[> old permalink <]