Im in ur haus eatin ur cat fud
View the above video to see the typical human reaction to an opossum encounter. Listen to the guy's voice. Listen to what he says about the critter. I laughed so hard.
Just two weeks ago, Abby had an opossum encounter in her garage. So, last night was my turn, apparently. Click on the little image on the left to see the opossum in my story.
Last night I was chilling out in my bathrobe, sitting in my big overstuffed chair in front of the computer, and reading something online. Suddenly, my mellow mood was disturbed by, "crunch, crunch, CRUNCH."
I had just filled the cat's bowl a few minutes before I sat down, so I wasn't very concerned initially. However, when I turned my head and saw the cat sleeping on the kitchen chair, a quick chill ran right through me.
I slowly got up and carefully creeped down the hallway ... OMFG!!
This thing was sitting up on its hind legs with cat food in its front paws casually munching away ... in my house!! I blurted out a loud, "WTF!"
Acknowledging my presence, it stopped eating, turned away from me, and meandered under the sliding pocket door ... into my bedroom. I yelped out a second loud "WTF!!"
What to do, what to do, what to do?
Think, think think! Now, remember, it's late at night. The whole neighborhood is fast asleep. I'm standing in the hallway, feeling
very vulnerable in my socks and bathrobe.
Step 1: Fling the door open, turn on the light, and quickly grab the 9mm on the night stand.
Okay, I don't see the critter anywhere. It's probably under the bed.
Step 2: Close the door.
I calm down a few notches, clear the 9mm and put it on the desk. I discard the shooting-little-critters-inside-the-house idea. It's late. I'd probably miss and put a hole in my refrigerator, anyway.
I decide instead to grab a few books from an encyclopedia set — ironically published by the National Geographic Society — and just block the critter in the bedroom for the night. I can sleep on the couch. In the morning, I'll just get with the neighbor and go buy a trap when the store is open. I already know what it likes to eat. *sigh*
It's never over when you think it is
After blockading the little space under the door to the bedroom with the books, I walked over to the cat who was now awake. I gave her a piece of my mind, flipped the chair, and told her to go lay down by her food. Her new litterbox house is there. She likes to lay on top of it. That's one of her spots.
Now here's the thing. I live in Florida. The cat will wake me up in the middle of the night because she is crashing around the house chasing some bug or a little lizard that found its way inside. The lizards and palmetto bugs are the worst. They're hard to catch because they can both run very fast -- even upside down on the ceiling. I have to catch it, or the cat will never let me sleep.
"Crunch, crunch, CRUNCH."
I look over expecting to see the cat eating. Of course not. The cat is sitting on top of her little litterbox house calmly watching her new friend eat her food below her ... in my house. Sonofabitch!
I grab a little plastic bucket in the kitchen and scurry down the hallway. Critter goes back under the door into the bedroom. I stopped at the doorway to yell at the cat for remaining so uninterested in the whole situation. "You didn't even meow!"
I fling the door open and the critter calmly looks over at me. It's on the nightstand. As soon as I enter the bedroom, it slowly meanders between the head of the bed and the wall. My idea of waiting until morning to trash my bedroom is now over.
I violently throw the pillows and bed linens across the room. Luckily, the critter couldn't go under the bed and it scurries across the mattress. I slam the bucket on top of it. I stand there with my hand on the bucket for a full five minutes to allow my heart to stop beating at the cardiac arrest rate.
Then, I realize something. What the hell am I going to do now? I've got an opossum under a plastic bucket on my mattress. I can't take my hand off of the bucket. It's too late to call anyone for help. The cat has been useless as a helper.
At this point, I'm looking wildly around the room and having a silent dialogue in my head with the critter under the bucket. Are there more of you in here? How did you get in my frakkin' house? What can I reach from here to slide under this bucket and get you out of here?
I spot a plastic storage container under the nightstand. I flick the lid off and throw the contents across the room. I kick stuff out of the way and set the container on the floor. I start to slide the upside-down bucket full of critter across the mattress. It growls loudly in disapproval of my idea.
I drop the bucket and critter inside the storage container and put the lid on it. *whew!* I am a can-do guy (with an apparently useless cat).
Marsupialogue
Even though it was late, I got dressed and went over to the neighbor's house. She was in her nightgown, getting ready to go to sleep, but she came to the door. I had removed the bucket from the container.
"Let me show you something."
She jumped back and slammed her door shut. I nearly peed myself laughing at her distress after what I had just gone through in my house.
She was nice enough to chat with me for a little while until we both calmed down. I was pretty hyper. I let her look at the critter and dispel some of her initial fear. I actually fed it some cat food while I sipped some vodka and smoked a few cigarettes.
I needed to borrow her golf cart for a short trip. I drove out to the woods and unceremoniously tossed the critter into its new habitat. After my midnight marsupial run to the back forty woods, I made some ramen noodles and fell asleep ... on the couch.
[headphones]
JfZ's Rock Playlist
[lyric of the moment]
Look at all the happy creatures dancin' on the lawn!
– Creedence Clearwater Revival, Lookin' Out My Backdoor
U.S.A. Florida Marsupial Opossum Possum CCR
